I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
