The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
