drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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