you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We are all done wearing pants today
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize