You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
