Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
