went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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