I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
