if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
