It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
