Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
