my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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