Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
