Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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