im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize