I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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