Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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