cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
