Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
