I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize