um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
