everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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