I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
