My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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