I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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