seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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