She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
