Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
