he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
