dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
