If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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