the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
