If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
