I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize