im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
