I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
