i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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