i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
