dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
