The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
