During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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