she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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