Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize