now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
