ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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