i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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