He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
