I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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