My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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