True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize