Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
