i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
