Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
