watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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