yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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