She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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