Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
