I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize