So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
how does that bad decision feel?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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