Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
