I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
sex in a hospital.. check
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
