I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
