the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize