I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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