OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
